My Baby Mummy

An example of why it is unwise to ignore the smaller, even unheard-of newspapers:

Click2Houston, where local news comes first, has reported that police have confiscated an heirloom from a New Hampshire family.

The mummified baby, pictured here, is said to be about 90 years old.

Notice how the handler in the photo is careful to support the infant's head.

Charles Peavey, the current babysitter, said the adorable scamp has been passed down in his family for generations.

Although that thing is creepy as hell, I don't see why anyone has the right to take it for forensic testing. I think I've heard that police are always called when human remains are discovered, but is all the research really necessary?

"We have concluded that this is, in fact, a baby."

Thanks, science.

Supposing that we're looking for some murder suspect, if the victim is as old as they say, by now the killer is a mummy as well.

But really, that little cutie doesn't look a day over 75 to me.

The Gods Made Heavy Metal, and They Saw That It Was Good

This was just too good to pass up putting it in my blog.

A news source from Alberta, Canada reports that Jesse Maggrah, 20, recently survived the wallop of an oncoming train.

And he thanks the metal gods for his good fortune.

Maggrah was walking along the Canadian Pacific Railway while listening to Norway's legendary black metal band Gorgoroth. You may remember them as the band that pissed off Poland.

With their unholy riffs invading his ears, Maggrah couldn't hear the train coming. Upon impact, the warrior was thrown four or five meters, but suffered only broken ribs.

He was then immediately overwhelmed by the thought "Holy crap, dude, you just got hit by a train."

METAL.

"Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them," Maggrah said. "Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

This young man has effectively characterized metalheads as the knuckleheads we are, to a "T."

Hail!

Big Rabbits Have Big Appetites

According to Guardian Unlimited, a British news source, there is one hell of a bunny running around the beautiful and historic Northumberland County.

The scoundrel is apparently responsible for free-reign feasts of such magnitude that local farmers have ordered martial law, instructing night watchmen to shoot it on sight.

One of them, Brian Cadman, 17, is reported to be quite excited about the gig, speaking of it as if he's become a winged crusader in charge of protecting Gotham City.

"I've seen its footprints too and they look like the size of a dog's. I can't wait to see it so I can put a stop to it," he said.

Go for it, young buck, our well-being is in your hands. The fine townspeople have been forced to keep women and children inside after dark on account of this gangly-eared beast.

Make sure to be vewy, vewy quiet.

After destroying the "were-rabbit's" dictatorship over our treasury of parsnips, grab a plunger and your brother, Luigi, and see if you can save the Princess from a remarkably large turtle.

Yeah, giant rabbits and angry Brits make for pure hilarity.

I wonder if this is the culprit?

DR. DOOM!

The 2006 Distinguished Texas Scientist, ecologist Dr. Eric Pianka, delivered a presentation at the 109th meeting of the Texas Academy of Science which amazed many and deeply disturbed at least one.

His speech, which promoted the elimination of 90 percent of the human species, was reported second-hand by attendee Forrest Mims. Pianka refused recording or videotaping at the event.

The discourse listeners were treated to stated, in a nutshell, that overpopulation is a formidable threat and the answer is airborn Ebola.

Pianka cited airborne Ebola (Ebola Reston) as the most effective tool for reducing the human population by a drastic measure. Its value lies in the fact that it is easily transmittable and kills in a matter of days. War is too unpredictable, famine can be overcome, and AIDS takes too long.

Mims pointed out some details omitted from this part of the lecture, writing "Professor Pianka did not mention that Ebola victims die a slow and torturous death as the virus initiates a cascade of biological calamities inside the victim that eventually liquefy the internal organs."

Still, whatever works.

In Pianka's view, the increase in humanity over the last few hundred years is our biggest problem and must be dealt with. He warns against anthropocentrism, saying "We're no better than bacteria!"

Here lies the contradiction in Pianka's argument: If, in fact, overpopulation is a critical threat to the planet's "health," and the answer (killing off a bunch of people) can only be reached through abandonment of anthropocentrism, then the goal, through the process of its own achievement, is made pointless.

I mean, does exterminating 90 percent of humanity in the interest of humanity sound fishy to anyone else?

My solution to overpopulation has always been contraceptive drinking water, and lots of abortions. I figure we don't need to go killing off the current population, just quit expanding it.

Pianka is also an expert on lizards.