Summer Movie Edition

A number of determinants are raising eyebrows in theaters this year, ranging from critical acclaim to cinematic absurdity. As a self-appointed guide, I've compiled a short list of the real standouts here for my beloved readers.

Let it be known that I have not actually seen any of these films.

United 93 depicts the events of September 11, 2001 from the perspective of the fourth plane to be hijacked. Upon its debut, every level-headed fan of the silver screen was wondering if the picture would respectfully revisit the day or drench it with propaganda in a horrid frenzy of tasteless opportunism. The answer? Depends who you ask.

Many feel that the subject matter is inappropriate and the film should not have been made at all. Others think the idea was fine, but the final product emerged as an irreverent derision of an emotionally biting misfortune for all of those affected.

However, plenty of reviewers are heralding United 93 as a milestone, calling it "the best film of 2006" and "exactly what it should be." Bob Longing from Access Atlanta asks "Who can forget the ugliness of that day?" Well, not me, but I'm also not sure I need to view the theatrical presentation.

My advice to you is this- take a long, hard look at yourself and decide if it's in your best interest to watch this movie.

Moving on, Hard Candy is making movie-goers uncomfortable for other reasons.

The film follows a 14-year-old girl on her way to meet her internet buddy, a 32-year-old photographer, face to face. The two retire back to his apartment, have a few drinks and shoot a few nudes, then (surprise!) things get ugly.

The girl turns on the old guy, intending to pay him back for the pedophelic acts she suspects him of. Just hearing about her personal castration kit will make most guys squirm even outside the theater.

I would call this a delightfully twisted idea if it weren't more-or-less an American remake of the Japanese Odishon (or "Audition" in English), the tale of a widower, auditioning for a new bride, who ends up choosing a sadist. She then tortures him for the majority of the film.

Rob Zombie himself called Audition one of the most terrifying movies he's seen in modern years. See that instead.

Next, we have Eric Steele's "The Bridge," a sanctimonious depiction of San Francisco suicides. Viewers will be treated to real-life footage of 6 people jumping to their deaths off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Let me guess how this one will go-

"Deborah Weinstein, bank teller and mother of two, liked to bike and read mystery novels. She was also active in M.A.D.D. Then she jumped off a bridge."

[Next segment]

"Marcel Dupeaut was a successful businessman who attended church regularly. But guess what he did? He jumped off a bridge."

A Discovery Channel documentary on lemmings sounds more entertaining than this.

Under fire from critics and protesters, Steele insists that "the idea is to try to help people and to save lives by raising awareness."

Awareness about bridges? Give me a break.

Finally, in the truly amateur filmmaking category, students at New Paltz University, NY, have organized a militia who want to "protect students' rights" by carrying shotguns around the campus and videotaping their accomplishments.

Unfortunately, the project has been put off indefinitely, as state law and campus regulations both prohibit posession of firearms on campus.

These kids should really get hip to the fact that this type of thing was done years ago by screen legends Harris and Klebold, anyway.