Summer Movie Edition

A number of determinants are raising eyebrows in theaters this year, ranging from critical acclaim to cinematic absurdity. As a self-appointed guide, I've compiled a short list of the real standouts here for my beloved readers.

Let it be known that I have not actually seen any of these films.

United 93 depicts the events of September 11, 2001 from the perspective of the fourth plane to be hijacked. Upon its debut, every level-headed fan of the silver screen was wondering if the picture would respectfully revisit the day or drench it with propaganda in a horrid frenzy of tasteless opportunism. The answer? Depends who you ask.

Many feel that the subject matter is inappropriate and the film should not have been made at all. Others think the idea was fine, but the final product emerged as an irreverent derision of an emotionally biting misfortune for all of those affected.

However, plenty of reviewers are heralding United 93 as a milestone, calling it "the best film of 2006" and "exactly what it should be." Bob Longing from Access Atlanta asks "Who can forget the ugliness of that day?" Well, not me, but I'm also not sure I need to view the theatrical presentation.

My advice to you is this- take a long, hard look at yourself and decide if it's in your best interest to watch this movie.

Moving on, Hard Candy is making movie-goers uncomfortable for other reasons.

The film follows a 14-year-old girl on her way to meet her internet buddy, a 32-year-old photographer, face to face. The two retire back to his apartment, have a few drinks and shoot a few nudes, then (surprise!) things get ugly.

The girl turns on the old guy, intending to pay him back for the pedophelic acts she suspects him of. Just hearing about her personal castration kit will make most guys squirm even outside the theater.

I would call this a delightfully twisted idea if it weren't more-or-less an American remake of the Japanese Odishon (or "Audition" in English), the tale of a widower, auditioning for a new bride, who ends up choosing a sadist. She then tortures him for the majority of the film.

Rob Zombie himself called Audition one of the most terrifying movies he's seen in modern years. See that instead.

Next, we have Eric Steele's "The Bridge," a sanctimonious depiction of San Francisco suicides. Viewers will be treated to real-life footage of 6 people jumping to their deaths off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Let me guess how this one will go-

"Deborah Weinstein, bank teller and mother of two, liked to bike and read mystery novels. She was also active in M.A.D.D. Then she jumped off a bridge."

[Next segment]

"Marcel Dupeaut was a successful businessman who attended church regularly. But guess what he did? He jumped off a bridge."

A Discovery Channel documentary on lemmings sounds more entertaining than this.

Under fire from critics and protesters, Steele insists that "the idea is to try to help people and to save lives by raising awareness."

Awareness about bridges? Give me a break.

Finally, in the truly amateur filmmaking category, students at New Paltz University, NY, have organized a militia who want to "protect students' rights" by carrying shotguns around the campus and videotaping their accomplishments.

Unfortunately, the project has been put off indefinitely, as state law and campus regulations both prohibit posession of firearms on campus.

These kids should really get hip to the fact that this type of thing was done years ago by screen legends Harris and Klebold, anyway.

Up The River With You, Fatty

Rush Limbaugh, the haughty convervative babblebox we all love to hate, has just been charged with another drug offense.

My favorite news source, Rotten.com, headlined the story "Fat Bastard Turns Himself In."

He certainly did.

Having once exclaimed to his millions of listeners that blacks are not jailed on drug charges in disproportionate numbers to whites, and that the best way to solve the issue is to send more white drug users to prison, Limbaugh is finally shutting up.

Evidently, he has committed "doctor shopping," a method with which addicts literally shop around for any Ph.D who will give them a prescription for thier drug of choice.

This is his second offense that I know of. He has also been through detox at least twice. Rotten offers a detailed biography here.

Since the first incident, Limbaugh's critics have been saying the man should be more than willing to enact his own plans and hop into a cell, so I won't even bother restating that here.

I will, however, parody Limbaugh by outright lying and misrepresenting my position.

For anyone who finds this as funny as I do, here's the police blotter from Palm Beach County.

This guy has backed the laughable "war on drugs" and spouted off about increased penalties for drug offenders for years.

"What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use, too many whites are getting away with drug sales, too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff. The answer to this disparity is not to start letting people out of jail because we're not putting others in jail who are breaking the law. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."
-- Rush Limbaugh. October 5, 1995

Take one for the team, jackass.

My Baby Mummy

An example of why it is unwise to ignore the smaller, even unheard-of newspapers:

Click2Houston, where local news comes first, has reported that police have confiscated an heirloom from a New Hampshire family.

The mummified baby, pictured here, is said to be about 90 years old.

Notice how the handler in the photo is careful to support the infant's head.

Charles Peavey, the current babysitter, said the adorable scamp has been passed down in his family for generations.

Although that thing is creepy as hell, I don't see why anyone has the right to take it for forensic testing. I think I've heard that police are always called when human remains are discovered, but is all the research really necessary?

"We have concluded that this is, in fact, a baby."

Thanks, science.

Supposing that we're looking for some murder suspect, if the victim is as old as they say, by now the killer is a mummy as well.

But really, that little cutie doesn't look a day over 75 to me.

The Gods Made Heavy Metal, and They Saw That It Was Good

This was just too good to pass up putting it in my blog.

A news source from Alberta, Canada reports that Jesse Maggrah, 20, recently survived the wallop of an oncoming train.

And he thanks the metal gods for his good fortune.

Maggrah was walking along the Canadian Pacific Railway while listening to Norway's legendary black metal band Gorgoroth. You may remember them as the band that pissed off Poland.

With their unholy riffs invading his ears, Maggrah couldn't hear the train coming. Upon impact, the warrior was thrown four or five meters, but suffered only broken ribs.

He was then immediately overwhelmed by the thought "Holy crap, dude, you just got hit by a train."

METAL.

"Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them," Maggrah said. "Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

This young man has effectively characterized metalheads as the knuckleheads we are, to a "T."

Hail!

Big Rabbits Have Big Appetites

According to Guardian Unlimited, a British news source, there is one hell of a bunny running around the beautiful and historic Northumberland County.

The scoundrel is apparently responsible for free-reign feasts of such magnitude that local farmers have ordered martial law, instructing night watchmen to shoot it on sight.

One of them, Brian Cadman, 17, is reported to be quite excited about the gig, speaking of it as if he's become a winged crusader in charge of protecting Gotham City.

"I've seen its footprints too and they look like the size of a dog's. I can't wait to see it so I can put a stop to it," he said.

Go for it, young buck, our well-being is in your hands. The fine townspeople have been forced to keep women and children inside after dark on account of this gangly-eared beast.

Make sure to be vewy, vewy quiet.

After destroying the "were-rabbit's" dictatorship over our treasury of parsnips, grab a plunger and your brother, Luigi, and see if you can save the Princess from a remarkably large turtle.

Yeah, giant rabbits and angry Brits make for pure hilarity.

I wonder if this is the culprit?

DR. DOOM!

The 2006 Distinguished Texas Scientist, ecologist Dr. Eric Pianka, delivered a presentation at the 109th meeting of the Texas Academy of Science which amazed many and deeply disturbed at least one.

His speech, which promoted the elimination of 90 percent of the human species, was reported second-hand by attendee Forrest Mims. Pianka refused recording or videotaping at the event.

The discourse listeners were treated to stated, in a nutshell, that overpopulation is a formidable threat and the answer is airborn Ebola.

Pianka cited airborne Ebola (Ebola Reston) as the most effective tool for reducing the human population by a drastic measure. Its value lies in the fact that it is easily transmittable and kills in a matter of days. War is too unpredictable, famine can be overcome, and AIDS takes too long.

Mims pointed out some details omitted from this part of the lecture, writing "Professor Pianka did not mention that Ebola victims die a slow and torturous death as the virus initiates a cascade of biological calamities inside the victim that eventually liquefy the internal organs."

Still, whatever works.

In Pianka's view, the increase in humanity over the last few hundred years is our biggest problem and must be dealt with. He warns against anthropocentrism, saying "We're no better than bacteria!"

Here lies the contradiction in Pianka's argument: If, in fact, overpopulation is a critical threat to the planet's "health," and the answer (killing off a bunch of people) can only be reached through abandonment of anthropocentrism, then the goal, through the process of its own achievement, is made pointless.

I mean, does exterminating 90 percent of humanity in the interest of humanity sound fishy to anyone else?

My solution to overpopulation has always been contraceptive drinking water, and lots of abortions. I figure we don't need to go killing off the current population, just quit expanding it.

Pianka is also an expert on lizards.

A Strike Against Same-Sex Marriage

When the Christian Right gets ahold of this story, it's gonna be war. Oddly enough, no marriage is directly involved.

Nonetheless, I have to wonder how this lesbian couple beating "their son" to death is gonna play out in the whole debate.

The article doesn't mention who had custody of the victim, Jandre Botha, 4, who was born to Hanelie Botha and former husband Jan Botha. It does mention that Hanelie Botha and lesbian partner Engeline de Nysschen brutally murdered the kid when he refused to call Nysschen "daddy."

"Evidence showed he had sustained horrific injuries, including a fractured skull and brain damage, as well as broken legs, collarbone, hands and pelvis."

This is probably the time to point out that I have no problem with children being adopted by homosexual couples or individuals. In fact, I'm all for it, generally speaking. I'm just against this one.

The current "same-sex marriage is just fine" side of the argument is gonna feel this, I'd wager.

I really can't wait until some pundit generalizes all lesbians into murderers. That is a stance we can all take seriously.